momma stay here...

as ungrateful as all kids can be and how there are days where you sit back and truely wonder what the hell you were thinking having kids, today was one of those days where everything just reminded you why you had all these kids. My morning was kinda sucky just cause i woke up super sick. And my oldest daughter woke up puking. So I figured it was gonna be a shitty day all around. However, to my wonderful surprise my boys were damn near angels all day today. They played great with no fighting or destruction of the house. My oldest daughter sat on the couch chatting with me all day. and this evening my daughter had to have a root canal which she was desperately trying to convince me was no longer needed. But as we got closer to the dentist office she made sure to ask me if I was gonna stay back there with her and hold her hand if needed. And at that moment although she is 15 and thinks she is very grown up, at that moment I got to be her momma for a bit. and no she didnt need me to hold her hand but she kept looking to make sure i was still sitting close to her. Just a simple small but much needed reminder that she still needs me. Even if tomorrow she doesnt give it a thought that i sat there next to her for and hour and a half. And thats ok. Cause for a moment she needed me and thats something only a momma can understand.

oh lordy its almost christmas

So this weekend i accomplished a ton. although all my decorating is done it seems as though i have so much still left to do. I managed to get almost all my christmas shopping done in a matter of 2 days, and i have the menu planned out for all the diff christmas' we have to go to and the one im doing at my house. Should be interesting christmas day cause Im doing the christmas thing here at my house for chris family. Who of course seem to have no clue that I can cook very well. At least Ive never had any complaints lol. So I am dealing with them questioning everything I want to make. But either way the meal will be awesome. But still so much work involved in all this. Got in a bit over my head on it cause I never planned anything this big before so its all new to me. But its all kinda exciting and fun. the pile of things i have to make and cook is unreal. But i guess this is just a way to put my cooking skills to use right? lol. Funny thing is I absolutely love all the craziness of the holidays. All the people trying to run ya down to get that item before you, all the honking cause apparently your in their way. lol. I love it all. But my fave thing was the other day in the car when the alvin and the chipmunks christmas song came on and aiden just lit up cause he knew who it was singing lol. was by far the cutest thing. And the excitement in his 4 yr old eyes over everything christmas is hillarious and so very refreshing. Its so much fun to be able to look at christmas thru a small childs eyes again. even if for just a little while. To feel just as excited as he is has been so much fun. Now all we need is some snow so we can build snowmen and snow forts and his dreams for christmas will come true lol.

stronger then i thought

only a few people are aware of things that happened in my house this past month. the things i was faced with and looking at loosing everything we owned and looking at living with 4 kids in my van was truthfully the most unreal horrifying embarrassing situation i have ever been thru. All of which was totally out of my control and of no fault of my own. However I am greatly humbled and grateful thanks to a small handful of people that stepped up and made sure me and my kids were ok. never in a million years did i think things would ever be that bad and i never realized how wonderful my friends and family truely are. i mean ive always know they were great but in a crisis I am surprised at the ones who swooped in and helped make things better. I am also shocked by the ones who refused to help or refused to listen to my tears. the people i thought would be there were not at all. I have always been a strong person. But thru all this I have learned just how strong I actually am. And I have actually surprised myself with this. I have several things in my life that make me happy on a regular basis. And unfortunately some of things and people that use to make me laugh and smile are just not around anymore i guess. But this experience the past month has made me really realize just how far a person can go and how willing you become to do anything to save whats yours. The level of desperation a mom will go to so her kids can eat. And also looking at my life in such a different way now. Remembering who I am and what my values are. I have never hit a lower point in my life as the week before thanksgiving. And I hope I never ever have to see that hardship again. And I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Funny thing is even with all the loss I was looking at my kids kept smiles on their faces. They were strong while I was week. And amazingly we have pulled together and are so very close and strong right now. I would be no where without those kids of mine. And Im sure most of this will make no sense to anyone other then me. Ive just unfortunately went thru something that has opened my eyes, and made me really look at the life im living and how very fast you can loose everything because of one persons actions. Very scarey how one person can control so much of your life. Now off I go to live the life I came so close to loosing.

proud but shocked

tonight my oldest came to me and told me some things. not all of which i will share. she was suppossed to go to a huge sleepover tonight at a friends house. im talking like 15 girls! and i thought it was odd today when i got a text from her telling me no she wasnt going but that her best friend would be coming to our house instead tonight. keep in mind both girls were invited to this bday party. unfortunately my daughter got her eyes opened very wide about what some of her friends were into. and she had no idea till today when they were all talking at lunch about what was going on at the party tonight. well apparently drugs were to play a huge part in this tonight. my daughter took it upon herself to just tell them she wasnt allowed to go to the party. i didnt ask why she changed her mind. i figured she had her reasons and woulkd tell me when she felt like it. wasnt expecting the reason she gave me. so as a reminder to anyone with kids please talk talk talk about drugs to your kids. Let them know the truth about what can happen if they use them. I am so glad we have been so open with our kids about all the important topics. Some would be shocked at the conversations that happen at our dinner table. But I tell you what it has been the best time and place to discuss anything and everything. And tonight was a reminder to me as to why it has been an open door policy for any topic in my house. And it was a small moment of "yes we did it". Like a reward or something letting us know we are doing something right with our kids. I am saddened that she had to learn tonight just what exactly her friends are into. But i am glad that she was strong enough to tell us and make the right decision on her own. I am very proud of her because this as a very mature decision on her part. And it was not an easy decision for her to tell us. And to me this was a very very big deal and a very major sign that we are doing things right with our kids. I love all four of my kids and am just so very proud of my oldest tonight. I know how hard this was for her tonight.

bye bye fake asses

So I had a friend over yesterday and she let me in on a few things. Some of those things were totally opposite from what I had been told by someone else. Then today I saw something that made me sit back and say wait a fucking minute!! Did I ever get a wake up today and snapped back to reality real quick. WTF was I thinking. Damn  that coulda ended up bad and coulda ended up being the totally wrong decision to make. Bet your ass I wont come close to making that mistake again. Thanks to my real friends that tell me the truth  instead of telling me what i want to hear. If people would just stop being fake and just be honest things would go so much smoother in life. I know who the hell my real friends are and do not have time for stupid highschool games. Sorry if my ya want it take it theory pisses some people off but Im not the type of person to just sit here on my ass and wait for it. I see what I want and I snatch it up. And just like what Ive been doing lately, Im seeing the things that make me happy and Im grabbing hold and taking those moments. If ya have an issue with it kiss my ass. As for those that wanna be stupid and play games with me well you know what you can do. Theres no room in my life for that shit. If ya aint bringing happiness to my world then ya best get the fuck outta my world. Nothing but happy and good things for me from here on out!! Drama and bullshit the exit it that way-------)

run run run

realized today that taking a week off from running was a very very bad idea. it will not happen again. I just feel so much better today then i have the past week. and i really think i feel better cause i worked out today. kinda fell off the wagon so to speak lol. so my promise to myself is I will do my running everyday no matter what that day may throw at me :) If I break this promise feel free people to give me a hard time. Your shit talking does wonders for my motivation lmao.

realization....

As many of my friends and family know I am a very deep person, very twisted, complicated way of thinking and many times just completely misunderstood. Im an open book. Im raw and emotional. I have no fear of telling things the way I see it and if people dont like it well then thats ok too. If you cant handle the way I think or the way I feel then I guess maybe you are not the right person to be in my life. And thats ok to. :) I want people in my life that are with me not matter what state of mind im in lol. Last week I had a total meltdown after loosing someone that was very dear to me. I think the loss sent me into an almost crazed person state of mind. I acted like an idiot to several people and said some things I really wish I wouldnt have. So if I offended anyone or said anything out of line then please take this as my personal public apology. I wasnt ok last week. But as of today Im good and back to my normal self. Please keep in mind I said "my" normal not yours LOL. Many of you know I work with my emotions and feelings like switches. I can turn them on and off easily. Last week they all flipped on and i was just overwhelmed. So no fears people I have once again turned off all switches except those to my kids. Im seeing things very clearly today and am ok with what I see in front of me. So please no more worries towards me. No need to waste another moment wondering if Im gonna go postal. Im good now :) And to the couple of people I actually talked to about things thanks for listening to me and letting me figure it all out in my head. We all know how unreal it is in my head LOL Luv u all :)

friends...

I lost one of my oldest dearest friends yesterday. Betsy was known by many and loved by all. The sadness that goes along with this is so deep. Loosing her brother scott a few years ago was bad then loosing her mom not long ago to cancer was terrible. And now loosing Betsy is just the saddest thing in my world. I will never understand how such amazing people are all gone now. An entire family just gone. They were all some of the most kindest loving people. The kind of persons I wish we were all like cause it would make this one heck of a world to live in. They raised the bar in standards for how we should live and how we should act. I have never met anyone like those 3 Knoufs. And I am deeply saddened and heartbroke over the fact they are now all gone. Loosing Betsy this week was just a loss that we will all feel forever. Something will be forever missing from the hearts of those who knew her....But I also know that Betsy is no longr in pain, and she knows how much we all loved her. So today Im hoping everyone will remember to say a prayer for Betsy and her loved ones. And just make sure the ones you love know how important they are to you. My life would be nothing without all the friends and family that hold pieces of my life, world and heart. I hope you all know how much I love and appreciate you being in my world.......

the fight...

Just amazed how two people can have such different thoughts but the end result is the same. You fight and fight for what you have and fight some more to keep it. But the end is always the same..... You cant control it. You can want something so badly even if you know no matter what you cant truely have it. It will never truely be yours even if for a moment it feels like it is. And that is where the battle rages on within.....

take it or leave it

ok so Im dropping weight at a decent speed, but as with any weight loss its not leaving the areas I want fast enough. My issue is my stomach area. 3 csections did a number on my body not to mention the last 3 babies were 10-12 pounds so ya it did a number on me. I just cant believe how hard it is to loose the stomach. But I guess having your muscles cut thru 3 times will make it that much harder.  Ive come to terms I will never have my cute body back but could I at least have a decent one. Im working my ass off literaly... took my measurements and wanted to puke LOL. But Im ok cause I know what Im working so hard for. Ive come to terms with the fact Im a lot bigger then i use to be. And Im trying to be comfy in my own skin. But damn it Im not. Im not wanting perfect just good. Everyone that knew me before I had the last 2 kids knows I put on a ton of weight. Pregnancy was not a cute thing for me lol. I am happy to say I have reached my first weight loss goal. I hit the 100 pounds lost mark!!!  I am so excited about that cause that was a big goal! But I did it! I still got about 70 to go before I am happy with my weight. But I had to share how well Im doing. I know its not enough, my doc made that clear to me already lol. My weight loss is a health issue. My diabetes has been out of control but I am happy to say that my sugar has not been out of control for about a month now. I am actually keeping my sugar levels low! So another good thing. Im feeling awesome and Im not tired all the time anymore. Im just very proud of myself for all this.I still have a hard road to go but give me the next 3 months and I will look even more different then I do now. :) So take it or leave it. If you like me now just wait cause the best is yet to come from me!!!  You just wait and see! I will do this for no other reason then I want it....

Life is wonderful with a little bit of rum

Thinks that tonight I feel better then I have in a long time. Almost free.... Had a bunch to drink and have been dancing in my living room. Im telling ya its the best thing and so very free feeling to dance in the dark in the living room. May sound silly and childish but its very  wonderful. A freedom that as a mom of 4 I rarely get to feel. So yup tonight Im super rum buzz happy and its AWESOME!!!!!!!  And since Im feeling so great I think I will serve another and go back to dancing. Just thought I would share how free I feel tonight LOL

kinda deep.......

Feeling a bit down today....  Its funny when you look at something or someone you love and realize nothing is the way you thought it was. That all the things you had hoped for are not happening. When you sit back and look around at the life you created and dont want it anymore. Or you realize just how lost you have become. Maybe thats what it is with me.Im just completely lost in my own life. Sinking maybe and desperately looking for that rope to pull you back out of it all. And since there is no rope to grab hold of Im pulling myself up dusting me off and getting back to making my world right again.  Im changing for what I think is the better. And I see the looks from my household and know they are wondering what the hell is up with me. This weekend I did my best to explain it to them all. And I  know they still dont understand. I just hope someday they will realize Im not being selfish. They are all the most important things in the world to me. But what I  need and want is change. I need to have something to look forward to and something that is just for me. So that being said, Im sorry if people think its selfish to put myself first. But my life has sucked every ounce of life out of me to the point I have nothing left to give. So now its time for me to put back into Briar. If that makes any sense. Im taking the time to do what I want and need. Cause if I dont well then eventually I will fade away completely I guess. And Im just not willing to let that happen anymore. So again Im sorry to those who dont get it. But for the first time in a very very long time Im going to put myself first and make me happy. Cause if Im happy then the rest of my life will be happy. And then finally all things in my world will be right again. And when it comes down to it, my world has to be right in order for me to be happy and be able to take care of the people that depend on me. Ok Im done now. Im sure this was an info overload but hey its my blog right? :) Just felt the need to get it off my chest. Sorry its kinda deep people.....

hey its me

Well lets see how this blogging things goes for me :) I guess this will be my own personal rant page where i will say, or post whatever it is im doing or thinking. My blog is for anyone or everyone. Anyones welcome to join in and share their 2 cents with me. As a mom my life is crazy and hectic and there are just days i want to vent to the world so for me this will be the best way. So here I am with things to say and share. If no one cares thats cool too. But I have things to say for anyone thats cares to listen :)