Changes changes and more changes lol

So I havent blogged in a few years. Just stepped away from it all. Realized just how crazy i was beginning to sound lol. Life is very good these days. I have found so much peace in my life and the level of happiness is truely amazing and sometimes overwhelming. I went thru so much the last few years trying to find myself and trying to figure out where I am spose to be. It was an amazing yet scary bumpy crazy rediculous ride. But I have finally learned enough about myself to understand everything and have come to terms with all of it now. Only recently was I able to just let go of all the bad that happened in the past and to move on. I was never going to be able to move on with my life till I let go of the past. I didnt even realize just how much I was caught up in my past till it was pointed out to me. So I had one hell of a good cry. Screamed and yelled and then just like a balloon I let go of everything that was weighing me down. Was an amazing feeling. It was a free feeling. And now my head is held high and theres a real true smile on my face. I found my own happiness and am amazed at all the doors that have opened up due to this. Now I am the proud mom/step mom to 8 amazing kids. I have 2 beautiful grandbabies that make my world so worth living. I have an amazing man that says Im his sparkle which always makes me smile. I am a proud homeowner with a mini farm in the works, and I couldnt be happier. So now it is time to get back to the happy real life blogs and stories of my crazy life and crazy family. I have so much to be thankful for. I found my limits and learned to push past them. I have lost so much and so many people I thought were friends. But what I realized was I couldnt deal with everyones drama anymore. So I slowly let go of all the people dragging me down and now I am surrounded by friends that are truely good people with amazing stories and lives. Im meeting new people all the time since we have been doing this homesteading thing. I have an awesome outlook on life now. I see the good once again in everything. And I am so happy that I have finally found my inner peace. And I thank all who helped me get back up each time I stumbled and fell. Very few will understand all this. But those that do know how hard I fought to get where I am today. Being truely happy is so worth the fight. God bless and I look forward to blogging once again.

sad

I try very hard to always find the good no matter what has happened. But this week and today especially I am finding it very difficult to see the good in anything. I was let down last week by someone that I was really beginning to think was an amazing person. But once again I was proven very wrong. I also am realizing how terribly I am failing at everything lately. I cant do anything that needs to be done and I am at that point I wanna throw the towel in and quit. But I cant quit. And as much as I want to stay curled up in my bed and forget the world I cant do that either. Today I broke down and cried cause there is so much wrong with my house and I am lost at how to fix these things. This was all stuff my ex would have done and fixed. And although I will figure it out it made me realize how much I miss having that person there to help me to be with me and to fix things I cant. Not missing my ex exactly just missing the companionship I had. Life can get very lonely at times when there is no one special to share things with. No one to go thru the highs and lows of my day. And I miss that. I miss having someone to curl up to with hot cocoa while on the porch swing. Im just realizing this week what all I am missing in my life. Ive enjoyed my single life and would miss parts of it. However it would be nice to have that one person to share everything with. It sucks sometimes that I unload on my 16 yr old about my day. She shouldnt have to listen to that crap. I miss having someone hold my hand and caress my face. Its little things I truely miss about being in a relationship. Single life has been fun but Im kinda over it. I guess I am what they call a relationship kinda person. I like having an other half. Hopefully someday I will find the man I am suppossed to be with forever. Hopefully he is out there looking for me too.

little things

realized today how so many things in my life re so completely out of my control. and i have spent way to much time worrying about things that i can do nothing about. And i was thinkin about my day at work tonight and couldnt help but laugh about how rediculous some things were today. My maintenance guys are amazing and they seem to go out of their way to make sure im laughing and smiling. they have somehow taken bad things and put a spin on them to make them funny. and they both were really there for me the other day when things got rough. my friends have been amazing and so crazysupportive helping me with all the things i have had to deal ih the last 6 months. and its nice to hear them tell me how wonderful it is to be able to hear the smile in my voice again. my kids have been this amazing source of strength for me and i just feel very blessed to have them. I am finally back to a place where i can sit back and see so much to be happy about. so much i am thankful for again. withall the bad that happened 6 months ago i can honestly see the brite side of things again.  like a very dark cloud has been lifted. i know there are more hard times ahead but for now im enjoying the peace i have found. i have even made some new friends. one in particular that seems to have my attention greatly. i really like this new life i have built for myself. just feel really lucky tonight.

momma stay here...

as ungrateful as all kids can be and how there are days where you sit back and truely wonder what the hell you were thinking having kids, today was one of those days where everything just reminded you why you had all these kids. My morning was kinda sucky just cause i woke up super sick. And my oldest daughter woke up puking. So I figured it was gonna be a shitty day all around. However, to my wonderful surprise my boys were damn near angels all day today. They played great with no fighting or destruction of the house. My oldest daughter sat on the couch chatting with me all day. and this evening my daughter had to have a root canal which she was desperately trying to convince me was no longer needed. But as we got closer to the dentist office she made sure to ask me if I was gonna stay back there with her and hold her hand if needed. And at that moment although she is 15 and thinks she is very grown up, at that moment I got to be her momma for a bit. and no she didnt need me to hold her hand but she kept looking to make sure i was still sitting close to her. Just a simple small but much needed reminder that she still needs me. Even if tomorrow she doesnt give it a thought that i sat there next to her for and hour and a half. And thats ok. Cause for a moment she needed me and thats something only a momma can understand.

oh lordy its almost christmas

So this weekend i accomplished a ton. although all my decorating is done it seems as though i have so much still left to do. I managed to get almost all my christmas shopping done in a matter of 2 days, and i have the menu planned out for all the diff christmas' we have to go to and the one im doing at my house. Should be interesting christmas day cause Im doing the christmas thing here at my house for chris family. Who of course seem to have no clue that I can cook very well. At least Ive never had any complaints lol. So I am dealing with them questioning everything I want to make. But either way the meal will be awesome. But still so much work involved in all this. Got in a bit over my head on it cause I never planned anything this big before so its all new to me. But its all kinda exciting and fun. the pile of things i have to make and cook is unreal. But i guess this is just a way to put my cooking skills to use right? lol. Funny thing is I absolutely love all the craziness of the holidays. All the people trying to run ya down to get that item before you, all the honking cause apparently your in their way. lol. I love it all. But my fave thing was the other day in the car when the alvin and the chipmunks christmas song came on and aiden just lit up cause he knew who it was singing lol. was by far the cutest thing. And the excitement in his 4 yr old eyes over everything christmas is hillarious and so very refreshing. Its so much fun to be able to look at christmas thru a small childs eyes again. even if for just a little while. To feel just as excited as he is has been so much fun. Now all we need is some snow so we can build snowmen and snow forts and his dreams for christmas will come true lol.

stronger then i thought

only a few people are aware of things that happened in my house this past month. the things i was faced with and looking at loosing everything we owned and looking at living with 4 kids in my van was truthfully the most unreal horrifying embarrassing situation i have ever been thru. All of which was totally out of my control and of no fault of my own. However I am greatly humbled and grateful thanks to a small handful of people that stepped up and made sure me and my kids were ok. never in a million years did i think things would ever be that bad and i never realized how wonderful my friends and family truely are. i mean ive always know they were great but in a crisis I am surprised at the ones who swooped in and helped make things better. I am also shocked by the ones who refused to help or refused to listen to my tears. the people i thought would be there were not at all. I have always been a strong person. But thru all this I have learned just how strong I actually am. And I have actually surprised myself with this. I have several things in my life that make me happy on a regular basis. And unfortunately some of things and people that use to make me laugh and smile are just not around anymore i guess. But this experience the past month has made me really realize just how far a person can go and how willing you become to do anything to save whats yours. The level of desperation a mom will go to so her kids can eat. And also looking at my life in such a different way now. Remembering who I am and what my values are. I have never hit a lower point in my life as the week before thanksgiving. And I hope I never ever have to see that hardship again. And I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Funny thing is even with all the loss I was looking at my kids kept smiles on their faces. They were strong while I was week. And amazingly we have pulled together and are so very close and strong right now. I would be no where without those kids of mine. And Im sure most of this will make no sense to anyone other then me. Ive just unfortunately went thru something that has opened my eyes, and made me really look at the life im living and how very fast you can loose everything because of one persons actions. Very scarey how one person can control so much of your life. Now off I go to live the life I came so close to loosing.

proud but shocked

tonight my oldest came to me and told me some things. not all of which i will share. she was suppossed to go to a huge sleepover tonight at a friends house. im talking like 15 girls! and i thought it was odd today when i got a text from her telling me no she wasnt going but that her best friend would be coming to our house instead tonight. keep in mind both girls were invited to this bday party. unfortunately my daughter got her eyes opened very wide about what some of her friends were into. and she had no idea till today when they were all talking at lunch about what was going on at the party tonight. well apparently drugs were to play a huge part in this tonight. my daughter took it upon herself to just tell them she wasnt allowed to go to the party. i didnt ask why she changed her mind. i figured she had her reasons and woulkd tell me when she felt like it. wasnt expecting the reason she gave me. so as a reminder to anyone with kids please talk talk talk about drugs to your kids. Let them know the truth about what can happen if they use them. I am so glad we have been so open with our kids about all the important topics. Some would be shocked at the conversations that happen at our dinner table. But I tell you what it has been the best time and place to discuss anything and everything. And tonight was a reminder to me as to why it has been an open door policy for any topic in my house. And it was a small moment of "yes we did it". Like a reward or something letting us know we are doing something right with our kids. I am saddened that she had to learn tonight just what exactly her friends are into. But i am glad that she was strong enough to tell us and make the right decision on her own. I am very proud of her because this as a very mature decision on her part. And it was not an easy decision for her to tell us. And to me this was a very very big deal and a very major sign that we are doing things right with our kids. I love all four of my kids and am just so very proud of my oldest tonight. I know how hard this was for her tonight.